The One Where I Had an Existential Crisis
Companion's Log
Star Date: Sept 25-Oct 1, 2019
So the week started out great, I do remember it felt a little weird to jump back into it after taking a "day off." We had early morning service on Wednesday, we all got flu shots, didn't have workshops everyday so we actually had some free time...to watch safety zone videos.
During exercise time I taught the sisters in our district the small amount of capoeira I remember. After companionship study one night Sister Mittens was waiting right outside our residence building for me! She's very pretty and tiny and adorable and 18 months from now I want a job as her caretaker. When Sister Sebring opened the door she ran inside so we had to chase after her to take her back outside but I got to hold her, so...
Sister Rojas got very passionate because Brother Skinner unintentionally stole her Steph Curry Book of Mormon analogy. She's usually the warm, calm yin as opposed to Brother Skinner's yang. He's actually fresh off his own mission, we're his first district. On Saturday he was more energetic than usual. He's always enthusiastic but that morning had more than the usual amount of heel clicks and spontaneous dancing and funny voices, and he was obviously distracted because he kept messing up the schedule. So finally I was like "you're in a good mood today, what's up?" and one of the Elder's asked what we all were thinking: "You go on a date last night?" And that's when chaos ensued. The Elders kind of worship Brother Skinner and are quite concerned with his love life. The whole class erupted with "aww he did look at him!" and "how'd it go did you kiss her?" and "where'd you take her" and the like while he collapsed defeated in his chair getting redder and redder until he finally regained control (and silence) with "Whoever reviews their goals first is my favorite companionship!" They all nagged him about it during the breaks though. Yup the Elder's are great. They found out about the quote book and apparently they "talk all night about how to get in there." The other sisters started playing four-square with them during exercise and they got a trophy.
I'd love to join them but wasn't able to because...
Boom, sadness.
Yeah, I don't really know what happened but I just started crying a lot at dinner on Saturday. I think a lot of things built up over the week like how I didn't get any emails from anyone so I felt really cut off and alone. It was weird because I really have been so happy here. The night before I'd stayed up past lights out going on this huge rant about the Book of Mormon. Just excitedly talking about the cool stuff I'd learned in my class at BYU and my favorite stories, like Gideon and Ammon, King Lamoni, and Abish, and the brother of Jared. It was a lot of fun and really reminded me just how much I do love all this and how excited I am to share the gospel!
But for some reason all the sad feelings I felt over the summer came back out of no where. For those who don't know, I had a pretty hard time accepting my call. I had always hoped for a foreign mission, I've wanted to learn a language and experience another culture ever since I first decided I would serve a mission in 8th grade. I had a lot of hopes that were basically crushed. But I've reevaluated a lot since then. I've talked with a lot of people, I've had a lot of blessings, I've come to terms with it. And especially since coming to the MTC and seeing the real purpose, I know that my call comes from God and that there is someone in Pocatello who needs me specifically.
But I know that being here has also made it hard. It's tough to stand in line next to someone with Korean on their name tag, or walk past the Brazilian and German flag everyday, or see sisters wearing their Norway mission t-shirts, or hear "hola hermanas!" everywhere I go. I think it especially bothered me to have a Spanish speaking district in my branch. I know that's not the point of a mission, I know I'm still going to help people, but it just sucks to see exactly what I'm missing out on, things I wanted for so long but don't get to have, right in front of me all the time.
I think the most frustrating thing is that I thought I had already dealt with all this and was finally moving on. Sister Sebring and I talked about it a lot, and then we talked more on Sunday when I started crying again at church. Lots of self-discovery and what not.
So then I thought I got it mostly figured out again. We had some fun with conspiracy theories about trc (because we found out they're lying to us when they sent us an evaluation survey that asks questions like "how much did they seem like a non-member"). We went to the departure devotional, since there won't be one next week because of General Conference. I got to see Sister Read again and say goodbye the day before she leaves for Vietnam. But then it went kind of crazy again. So basically Sister Sebring shared some of her beliefs about the Second Coming and demons and things and like the Gadianton robbers being in the government and stuff and it kind of affected me a lot more than I thought it would. The next day I kinda spiraled, I couldn't really feel the spirit, I didn't feel like myself, my concept of the future and stuff like that was all out of wack. It's kind of hard to explain but basically I couldn't really function and it was really hard to just snap back into it and Sister Sebring was sick too. So we didn't go to class, signed me up for counseling, and took a breather. I was able to draw a bit and ground myself, it's so hard to find time to do that kind of stuff. The next day was p-day so we met with our branch president, and I had a counseling appointment (with my mom's cousin, because I'm just related to everyone), went to the temple and called my family.
Don't worry, honestly. I'm doing much better now of course. I don't write all this for sympathy, though most of y'all still aren't emailing me :|
I say these things because it's true. This is what happened. So often in this day and age, especially with social media, we only see the good things. We see the happy, pretty pictures without seeing the ugly crying behind the scenes and we compare it to ourselves even if we don't mean to. But life is full of good and bad things. My mission is going to be full of good and bad things, and I'm going to be honest about it, show you both sides so you can get the whole truth. It's hard to be suddenly cut off from everyone you knew, it's hard to adjust. It's hard to suddenly be so sad you can't really function for no clear reason. They like to share President Hinkley's story here, when his dad told him to "forget yourself and get to work." I kept praying for help forgetting myself and the answer I got was don't. Don't forget yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. If you're sick, get some sleep, if you're having an existential crisis, go to counseling.
I guess it's ironic that my favorite chapter is 2 Nephi 2, or that I keep using Alma 7:12 in class and lessons:
I know Jesus Christ suffered all of these things, I know Heavenly Father doesn't take away our pains but helps us through them. And I believe that these things will help me to also succor others who have to deal with anything similar. And I hope I will be led to those people so they too will know they're not alone.
-Sister Dunn out
Star Date: Sept 25-Oct 1, 2019
So the week started out great, I do remember it felt a little weird to jump back into it after taking a "day off." We had early morning service on Wednesday, we all got flu shots, didn't have workshops everyday so we actually had some free time...to watch safety zone videos.
During exercise time I taught the sisters in our district the small amount of capoeira I remember. After companionship study one night Sister Mittens was waiting right outside our residence building for me! She's very pretty and tiny and adorable and 18 months from now I want a job as her caretaker. When Sister Sebring opened the door she ran inside so we had to chase after her to take her back outside but I got to hold her, so...
Sister Rojas got very passionate because Brother Skinner unintentionally stole her Steph Curry Book of Mormon analogy. She's usually the warm, calm yin as opposed to Brother Skinner's yang. He's actually fresh off his own mission, we're his first district. On Saturday he was more energetic than usual. He's always enthusiastic but that morning had more than the usual amount of heel clicks and spontaneous dancing and funny voices, and he was obviously distracted because he kept messing up the schedule. So finally I was like "you're in a good mood today, what's up?" and one of the Elder's asked what we all were thinking: "You go on a date last night?" And that's when chaos ensued. The Elders kind of worship Brother Skinner and are quite concerned with his love life. The whole class erupted with "aww he did look at him!" and "how'd it go did you kiss her?" and "where'd you take her" and the like while he collapsed defeated in his chair getting redder and redder until he finally regained control (and silence) with "Whoever reviews their goals first is my favorite companionship!" They all nagged him about it during the breaks though. Yup the Elder's are great. They found out about the quote book and apparently they "talk all night about how to get in there." The other sisters started playing four-square with them during exercise and they got a trophy.
Boom, sadness.
Yeah, I don't really know what happened but I just started crying a lot at dinner on Saturday. I think a lot of things built up over the week like how I didn't get any emails from anyone so I felt really cut off and alone. It was weird because I really have been so happy here. The night before I'd stayed up past lights out going on this huge rant about the Book of Mormon. Just excitedly talking about the cool stuff I'd learned in my class at BYU and my favorite stories, like Gideon and Ammon, King Lamoni, and Abish, and the brother of Jared. It was a lot of fun and really reminded me just how much I do love all this and how excited I am to share the gospel!
But for some reason all the sad feelings I felt over the summer came back out of no where. For those who don't know, I had a pretty hard time accepting my call. I had always hoped for a foreign mission, I've wanted to learn a language and experience another culture ever since I first decided I would serve a mission in 8th grade. I had a lot of hopes that were basically crushed. But I've reevaluated a lot since then. I've talked with a lot of people, I've had a lot of blessings, I've come to terms with it. And especially since coming to the MTC and seeing the real purpose, I know that my call comes from God and that there is someone in Pocatello who needs me specifically.
But I know that being here has also made it hard. It's tough to stand in line next to someone with Korean on their name tag, or walk past the Brazilian and German flag everyday, or see sisters wearing their Norway mission t-shirts, or hear "hola hermanas!" everywhere I go. I think it especially bothered me to have a Spanish speaking district in my branch. I know that's not the point of a mission, I know I'm still going to help people, but it just sucks to see exactly what I'm missing out on, things I wanted for so long but don't get to have, right in front of me all the time.
I think the most frustrating thing is that I thought I had already dealt with all this and was finally moving on. Sister Sebring and I talked about it a lot, and then we talked more on Sunday when I started crying again at church. Lots of self-discovery and what not.
Don't worry, honestly. I'm doing much better now of course. I don't write all this for sympathy, though most of y'all still aren't emailing me :|
I say these things because it's true. This is what happened. So often in this day and age, especially with social media, we only see the good things. We see the happy, pretty pictures without seeing the ugly crying behind the scenes and we compare it to ourselves even if we don't mean to. But life is full of good and bad things. My mission is going to be full of good and bad things, and I'm going to be honest about it, show you both sides so you can get the whole truth. It's hard to be suddenly cut off from everyone you knew, it's hard to adjust. It's hard to suddenly be so sad you can't really function for no clear reason. They like to share President Hinkley's story here, when his dad told him to "forget yourself and get to work." I kept praying for help forgetting myself and the answer I got was don't. Don't forget yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. If you're sick, get some sleep, if you're having an existential crisis, go to counseling.
I guess it's ironic that my favorite chapter is 2 Nephi 2, or that I keep using Alma 7:12 in class and lessons:
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
I know Jesus Christ suffered all of these things, I know Heavenly Father doesn't take away our pains but helps us through them. And I believe that these things will help me to also succor others who have to deal with anything similar. And I hope I will be led to those people so they too will know they're not alone.
-Sister Dunn out
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